9/11 Memes

Subject: Taliban Singles

Subject: Afghan Missile

Subject: Afghanistan Diving Competition

dive.mpg (2.9 MB)

Subject: Iraqi TV Schedule

Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule

MONDAYS:

8:00 - “Husseinfeld”
8:30 - “Mad About Everything”
9:00 - “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 - “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 - “Allah McBeal”

TUESDAYS:

8:00 - “Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
8:30 - “The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
9:00 - “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 - “Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 - “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 - “When Kurds Attack”
9:00 - “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah”
9:30 - “Just Shoot Me”
10:00 - “Veilwatch”

THURSDAYS:

8:00 - “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 - “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 - “Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
9:30 - “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 - “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:

8:00 - “Judge Saddam”
8:30 - “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 - “Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
9:30 - “Achmed’s Creek
10:00 - “No-witness News”

Subject: Miss Afghanistan

On the left is Katie Harmon, Miss America, wearing the swimsuit she chose for the competition.

On the right is a typical Afghan girl, wearing the heavy smothering burqua as required by the oppressive Taliban regime.

Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping to eventually get a Master’s degree in Bioethics.

Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at all, and cannot read or write.

Miss America has worked as a lab assistant at both the Oregon Health Sciences University and the University of Puget Sound.

Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from working.

Miss America’s father is an engineer. Her mother is a teacher.

Miss Afghanistan’s father was shot by a gang of Taliban militants. Her mother begs for bread scraps since she cannot work or remarry.

Miss America wowed the judges by singing a Puccini aria, “O Mio Babbino Caro”.

Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from singing or even listening to music of any kind.

Miss America will be traveling the nation nonstop during her reign.
Miss Afghanistan cannot leave her house without a male family member, cannot drive, and cannot be out after dark.

Miss America is an advocate for breast cancer research.

Miss Afghanistan cannot be treated by a male doctor, and for all practical purposes has no access to medical treatment of any kind.

Miss America can date, marry, or divorce anyone she chooses.

Miss Afghanistan will be stoned to death if caught in the company of a male outside of her family. She is likely to be sold into an arranged marriage to a man who already has two wives.

Miss America wears sunscreen on the beach to keep from burning.

Miss Afghanistan cannot live in a house with windows unless they are painted black. Since she must wear a burqua outside, her pale translucent skin has not seen a ray of sunlight in years.

Miss America could have been disqualified if her swimsuit did not meet pageant standards.

Miss Afghanistan can be flogged if the holes in the mesh covering her face are too large.

Miss America will decide how many children, if any, she wants to have.

Miss Afghanistan will be pregnant 3-4 times more often than Miss America.

Unfortunately, her babies are 25 times more likely to die in the first year. One out of four will not see their 5th birthday.

Miss America is majoring in speech communications at PSU.

Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from speaking in public.

Miss America is 21. Since the U.S. life expectancy for women is 80, she’s still a very young woman.

Miss Afghanistan is also 21. But since the life expectancy for an Afghan woman is 43, next year she will be “over-the-hill”. (Besides having a shockingly short life expectancy overall, Afghanistan is one of the only countries in the world in which women have a shorter life expectancy than men)

Miss America is a beautiful, intelligent woman and everyone knows it.

Miss Afghanistan could be a beautiful, intelligent woman, ... but nobody will ever know it.

God Bless Miss America
God Help Miss Afghanistan

Subject: Afghanistan Weather Report

The weather in Afghanistan tomorrow is expected to be sunny in the morning with increasing mushroom clouds in the afternoon. The temperature looks to be a moderate 2000 degrees with cool winds upwards of around 700 miles per hour. It will definitely be a day for the sunblock, and it wouldn’t hurt to shake the dust off the ol’ lead suit in the closet. If you’re planning on venturing offroad in beautiful Afghanistan tomorrow, don’t forget to drink plenty of fluids such as barium which shows up nicely when blasts of radiation flow through your body. Most of all, have fun out there in dusty Afghanistan and enjoy the old country while…..... well, while it’s still there.

Subject: Petition

If you decide not to forward this, please send it back to me. This is an actual petition, and “signatures” will be lost if you drop the line. Please Take 3 minutes out of your life to do your part. And be sure to include Other members of your household who are willing to sign. Oprah recently had A show about this atrocity and it was heartbreaking.

Taliban, the government of Afghanistan, is waging a war upon women. Since the Taliban took power in 1996, women have had to wear burqua and have been beaten and stoned in public for not having the proper attire, even if this means simply not having the mesh covering in front of their eyes.

One woman was beaten to death by an angry mob of fundamentalists for Accidentally exposing her arm() while she was driving. Another was stoned to death for trying to leave the country with a man that was not a relative.

Women are not allowed to work or even go out in public without a male relative; professional women such as professors, translators, doctors, lawyers, artists and writers have been forced from their jobs and restricted To their homes.

Homes where a woman is present must have their windows painted so that she Can never be seen by outsiders. They must wear silent shoes so that they are Never heard.

Women live in fear of their lives for the slightest misbehavior. Because they cannot work, those without male relatives or husbands are either Starving to death or begging in the street, even if they hold Ph.D.‘s.

Depression is becoming so widespread that it has reached emergency levels.

There is no way in such an extreme Islamic society to know the suicide rate with certainty, but relief workers are estimating that the suicide rate among women must be extraordinarily high: those who cannot find proper medication and treatment for severe depression and would rather take their lives than live in such conditions.

At one of the rare hospitals for women, a reporter found still, nearly lifeless bodies lying motionless on top of beds, wrapped in their burqua, unwilling to speak, eat, or do anything, but slowly wasting away. Others have gone mad and were seen crouched in corners, perpetually rocking or Crying, most of them in fear.

When what little medication that is left finally runs out, one doctor is considering leaving these women in front of the president’s residence as a form of protest. It is at the point where the term “human rights violations” has become an understatement.

Husbands have the power of life and death over their women relatives, especially their wives, but an angry mob has just as much right to stone or beat a woman, often to death, for exposing an inch of flesh or offending them in the slightest way. 

Women enjoyed relative freedom: to work, to dress generally as they wanted, and to drive and appear in public alone until only 1996. The rapidity of this transition is the main reason for the depression and suicide; Women who were once educators or doctors or simply used to basic human freedoms are now severely restricted and treated as subhuman in the name of right-wing fundamentalist Islam.

It is not their tradition or ‘culture’, but it is alien to them, and it is extreme even for those cultures where fundamentalism is the rule.

Everyone has a right to a tolerable human existence, even if they are women in a Muslim country. If we can threaten military force in Kosovo the name of human rights for the sake of ethnic Albanians, citizens of the world can certainly express peaceful outrage at the oppression, murder and injustice committed against women by the Taliban.

STATEMENT: In signing this, we agree that the current treatment of women in Afghanistan is completely UNACCEPTABLE and deserves action by the United Nations and that the current situation overseas will not be tolerated.

Women’s Rights is not a small issue anywhere, and it is UNACCEPTABLE for women to be treated as subhuman and as so much property. Equality and human decency is a fundamental RIGHT, not a freedom to be granted, whether one lives in Afghanistan or elsewhere.

Signed:

(Names removed for posting on NYCStories.com)

Subject: Taliban Tank Joke

Q. How do you stop a Taliban tank?

A. Shoot the guys pushing it.

Subject: Homesick

Ahmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, “Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor, he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?”

The doctor said, “You were homesick.”

Subject: Arab Suicide?

Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide? Let’s see now:

No booze. No bars. No television. No Internet. No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties. (Actually, no tailgates.) No Hooters.

No meat from a pig. Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy insight. Ever try to fish at an oasis?

Rags for clothes and hats. Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe only with your left. (Like life isn’t complicated enough already.)

Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors. No music. No radio. You can’t shave. You can’t shower.

Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else.

Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! Who wouldn’t go for it?

Subject: Closer Look at Cell Phones

cell-gun.mpg (475 KB)

Subject: Why Palistinians Throw Rocks

throw-rocks.mpg (2.5 MB)