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NYC Stories

Letterman/Leno Jokes

“Somebody said, ‘What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?’ I said, ‘I don’t know, let’s find out.’”
-Don Imus

“CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”
-David Letterman

“The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry.”
-Jay Leno

“People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we’re finished fighting there. I’m sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan,  Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstand, Bye-bye-Talibanistan, Ass-Kickedistan.”
-Jay Leno

“People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time.”
-Jay Leno

“Do you remember the good ol’ days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.”
-David Letterman

“Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”
-Jay Leno

“More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He’s 6’5” and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie.”
-Jay Leno

“The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden Has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.”
-Jay Leno

“Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before - the end zone.”
-Jay Leno

“Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.”
-David Letterman

“President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.”
-Jay Leno

“Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he’s gone on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman.”
-Jay Leno

“This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she’ll get his money, he’ll be dead in a week.”
-Jay Leno

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